I was brought up in a culture where depressions were simply not accepted, you just had to ‘man up’ and deal with it, pretty much on your own. So I did. But throughout the years I’ve experienced more setbacks and lost my will to fight. It became very hard to hide my emotions in public so I had to seek help. Explaining how I’ve felt was the hardest thing I had to do, in my eyes I was a complete failure. According to my GP it seemed like I’ve been depressed for quite some time, just didn’t recognise the symptoms. I’ve got prescribed Sertraline and put my name on waiting list for Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBG). I was determined to get my life back. Being a natural fighter I continued despite me feeling worse not just mentally but physically as well. GP encouraged me to continue, filled the depression questionnaire and I was still waiting for my CBG. Soon I realised that Sertraline won’t be the solution, I was fully determined to commit suicide, there was only one problem, my fear of not succeeding and possibly getting worse. My GP and people who assessed my questionnaire for CBG knew about all this, but since I haven’t committed the suicide yet, there was no urgency to do anything. Lesson learned ‘If you cannot help yourself – no one will help you’. So I’ve stopped taking the pills, forced myself to face people and got the job in tourism. Because I had to work overseas NHS removed me from CBG waiting list, I guess they would have preferred me claiming the benefits – thanks for the help. So here is the tough reality
1. Most of the GPs, therapists, psychologists etc. are not there to help you, they simply cannot. They’ve just learned the cases from the books. If you haven’t experienced things for yourself you cannot understand. Freud and Jung were smart enough and included their patients in their research, they weren’t even afraid to make some of them their assistants (e.g. Sabine Spielrein – she became one of the first female psychoanalysts).
2. Talking to professionals might seem so encouraging but once you step back into reality it hits you hard. People just don’t care. Employers usually take all the energy from you, recruiters more than often don’t reply to your job application forms, volunteering can be quite expensive or you need a proper qualification – doesn’t all this make you feel wanted.
3. If you don’t commit the suicide, people won’t take you seriously.
4. The most notice you get is if you do something bad. Honestly how many people you know that got recognised for good things they did in their ordinary lives and I mean real good not like Jimmy Savile’s help. People who opted for the wrong side of the law on the other hand get all support. Helping ‘those people’ makes the society look good, showing compassion.
You might say that I just had a bad experience, that research numbers show otherwise. Well I have a maths background I know how statistics work and what about Butterfly effect - the results of one wrong doing can be devastating on larger scale.
It is kind of sad when one is capable and willing to fight and nobody wants to know.
Life is supposed to be beautiful so what went wrong?